(The camera opens to the sound of a motor and the view of boarded up buildings passing by in a flash. The sky is dark, however, the glare from the streetlights above illuminates the surroundings enough to show this is not the place one would want to have car trouble. As the camera looks out the front windshield of the moving van, you can see that two men are in the front and the GPS on the dash says 2.6 miles until the destination. The man in the passenger seat turns backwards in his seat to face the camera. He is holding his phone out in front of him as some sort of recording device. It is Hall of Fame BJWC Ring Announcer and Podcast star, James Edgebrook.) 

James: “Is the camera rolling now because we are almost there. It is perfect. I am recording as well. Welcome back everyone to WrestleFamia, the number one podcast in the world for all things wrestling. Jeph and I are very excited today because we have a very special show. Today not only do we have our documentary crew with us, filming us every step of the way but we have very good reason to believe we found former BJWC superstar Chris McClane.” 

 

Jeph Phillips (from the driver’s seat): “The Bigfoot of the wrestling world.” 

James: “That is right. In a day of social media and the internet, Chris McClane is nowhere to be found. Let’s go over what we know and can find. Chris last wrestled for the BJWC in 2000. He tried his hand at acting and was in a couple of B-movies in 2001 and 2002 according to his IMDB page.  

Jeph: “After that it went downhill quick.” 

James: “In 2004 he made headlines with his divorce former BJWC woman’s champion and friend of our show, Rebecca. From there all we really have is a long page of arrest records from assault, disorderly conduct, public urination, public intoxication, driving without a license, and so on. Other than spending some time in jail, we do not know where he lives, what he is doing with his life, if he is remarried, if he is wrestling again, or anything about him.  

Jeph: “You forgot the most famous thing that has happened to Chris since the BJWC James.” 

James: “You are right. The last known sighting of Chris McClane was in 2011 in a bar right here in Detroit. A video was recorded and went viral. It has 62 million views. Take a look.” 

(James holds up his phone to the camera and a video starts playing. A college age kid wearing a Brian Hart shirt is standing in front of the screen. He is pointing to a man slumped over at the bar alone. The kid starts to laugh and yells over to Chris.) 

College Kid: “Hey Chris McClane, you Suck! God of Wrestling, more like God of being a has-been. What can’t say anything back? Are you scared I might use the Paralyzer on you or is it because you don’t have Rebecca here to hide behind because she left you for a Lion’s player? 

(Chris turns around on his stool and falls onto the floor. As the kid laughs hysterically, Chris pulls himself up to his feet.) 

Chris: “Your mic skills are worse than Exodus. You have no clue who you are talking too. You better shut your damn trap before I make you gag on those teeth.” 

College Kid: “Let’s go you old drunk. Take a shot at me so I can pin the champ.” 

(Chris swings wildly, stumbling and misses. The kid just laughs. Chris swings again and falls face first onto a table as the alcohol has not helped his balance. As Chris works his way back up, the kids hit Chris with a chair which explodes across his body and Chris falls limp to the floor. The kid still laughing jumps on top of Chris to pin him.) 

College Kid: “1…2…3!” 

(James shuts off the video and returns to speaking to the camera.) 

James: “That video was almost 10 years ago, and no one has seen Chris McClane since. We have spent years digging and digging and we think we are finally going to give the fans what they have been asking for.” 

GPS: “Your destination is on the left.” 

(The three men climb out of the van half excited and half on edge as none of them have been in this part of town before. Windows have bars on them, there faint sounds of people yelling and police sirens, smoke is coming up out of the manhole covers. It is like they are in a bad movie about being on the wrong side of town. They enter a bar called The Crucible. The inside is just as expected. Small, dark, and dirty feeling. There are a couple dozen people in the place and none of them look like Chris McClane.) 

James: “You have to be kidding me. We come out to North Detroit in the middle of the night and there is no sign for Chris McClane!” 

(The Bartender overhears James Edgebrook) 

Bartender: “You looking for McClane?” 

James (excited) “You know him?” 

Bartender: “Of course I do, he owes me money.” 

James: “Can you tell me where to find him?” 

Bartender: “Definitely… but you have to pay his bar tab first.” 

(James does not hesitate, he pulls out his wallet. He settles up with the bartender and asks where he can be found.) 

Bartender: “Go straight out the back door, you will find your deadbeat. Oh, and come back anytime.” 

(James, Jeph and the Cameraman did not even wait for the bartender to quit speaking before they raced to the door at the back of the bar. James slammed through it first with the others following. However, they did not see Chris McClane. They saw a very dark alley that ended by a brick wall covered in graffiti and a dumpster that glowed from lights in the bar. Just then they spotted a man sleeping on the ground under some newspaper. Chris McClane always had a very in shape, muscular body, however, this man appeared to have little to no muscle with a large stomach. This man also had a large beard and hair where Chris always had short hair and a goatee. The biggest change was though, this man looked old. His face was very aged. However, they decided to try anyway) 

James: “Chris… is that you? Chris McClane. BJWC World Champion.” 

(Without moving or opening his eyes the man responded.) 

Chris: “Don’t forget North American Champion, TV Champion and Tag Team Champion. The greatest champion wrestling has ever seen.” 

Jeph: “Yep, that is definitely Chris McClane alright.” 

(The shell of a man opens his eyes and stretches like it is morning. He proceeds to slowly stand up and stand in front of the crew with his shirtless beer belly hanging out, ratted hair, and torn pants while reeking of alcohol. James and Jeph are stunned that they found him and stunned at his appearance. Nothing they see in front of them looks like Chris McClane.) 

Chris: “So would you boys like an autograph? I am selling them for a good deal today.” 

James: “Chris, no, it is me, James Edgebrook, the ring announcer from BJWC. We worked together for years. And this is Jeph Phillips, the other announcer from BJWC.” 

Chris: “Sorry, guys. Does not ring a bell. I remember all of the fans cheering my name when I walked out but not the announcers.” 

Jeph: “Didn’t they always boo you?” 

James: “I was an usher at your wedding.” 

Chris: “Still doesn’t sound right. What does sound right are those autographs you wanted. What did we decide on, $100 a piece?” 

James: “Chris we are here to interview you.” 

Chris: “That explains the camera. You want to make a movie on me.” 

James: “They are actually here filming a documentary on Jeph and I’s podcast. How we went from BJWC announcers to some of the biggest podcasters on the internet with over 85 million downloads a month for a show WrestleFamia. Where we talk to famous wrestlers and get the inside stories on the business.” 

Chris: “WrestleFamia, that is a horrible name.” 

Jeph: “It is clever and our fans like it.” 

Chris: “I have a much better name for you. Chris McClane, Wrestling’s True Champion.” 

James: “For our Podcast?” 

Chris: “No, for the movie being made about me.” 

Jeph: “IT IS NOT A MOV…” 

James: “Jeph, it is fine. Whatever works. Sounds great Chris. So, can we ask you some questions? 

Chris: “Go for it Jim.” 

James: “Okay, well, first off, the people want to know. Where have you been? I mean, what have you been up too? No one has seen or heard from you in almost 10 years.” 

Jeph: “Yeah not since you got beat up by the college kid.” 

Chris: “Not sure what you are referring to John. Chris McClane does not get beat up. He does the beating. And to your question Jim, I’ve been busy. Very busy.” 

James: “Like what, your fans would love to know.” 

Chris: “You see Jim, Chris McClane is like a delicious chocolate cake. You want it so bad. Looking at it makes your mouth drool. Just one taste of it makes you want more and more. However, you can only have a little at a time. Even though that chocolate cake is perfection, your simple little body can only handle a small amount at a time. So, you must wait patiently to have more of that chocolate cake later. Does that make sense?” 

James: “Ummmm no.” 

Jeph: “He has been drinking.” 

James: “So, tell us about now. Where are you living? Are you remarried? Are you still wrestling?” 

Chris: “I have always been a man of the people. And when I say man, am I really a man if they worship me and I am the great wrestler to ever step in the ring, no more like a God but that is another point. Anyway, as a man of the people I must give back to my people as well. I have millions, let me rephrase that, billions of fans that adore me worldwide. I cannot be tied down to anyone one place, person, or line of work. I must be out there for my people who need their champion. Their God of Wrestling. 

Jeph: “Widewide? Have you even left Detroit in the last 15 plus years?”  

James: “Chris, there are rumors that the BJWC is reopening. Even just for one night. Will you be there? 

Chris: “I am the greatest champion the BJWC had step through their door. I have countless letters from Billy Jay himself thanking me for taking his no name e-fed and giving it a name. They are lucky they had a star as bright as me or no one would have been able to see through other talentless jobbers in that organization. I carried the BJWC night in and night out and that is why I earned every title that league had.” 

James: “Actually they had a Hardcore title that you never won.” 

Chris: “That is not a title. That is not real wrestling. That is just a bunch of mindless baboons swinging chairs at each other. There is no talent in that.” 

Jeph: “And we have all seen the video of what happens when you get hit by a chair.” 

James: “So you are confirming that you will be at the BJWC reunion show if the rumors are true and it takes place?! 

Jeph: “Wait, doesn’t Billy Jay have a restraining order on you?” 

Chris: “Billy Jay is like all of my other billions of fans worldwide. He falls asleep each night in his Chris McClance PJs holding his Chris McClane plush toy and watching my Chris McClane highlights. He will bag me to come back as there is not a BJWC without Chris McClane. Think about what BWJC stands for. Billy Jay Worships Chris.” 

Jeph: “I think it is Billy Jay’s Wrestling Company.” 

James: “This has been an exciting interview and I know the fans of WrestleFamia will be talking about it for a long time to come. Anything else you want to say before we leave?” 

Jeph: “Before we get mugged out here.” 

Chris: “A lot of people hate me, a lot of people hate me, but everyone wants to watch me wrestle. Why, because it is one of those things you must experience in your life so you can tell your children and they can tell their children that they saw the great Chris McClane wrestle. It is easy to be average. Just ask Billy Jay. Just ask Brian Hart. Just ask Super Duper Gary Cooper. Just ask g-Crusher. Just ask any of the wrestlers on the BJWC roster. Or better yet, ask yourself. However, greatness is something special. Something that comes along once in a lifetime. I am so great I stop time for all to see. A true champion. A Real Champion. A God of Wrestling.” 

Jeph: “Okay then.” 

James: “Chris, thanks for the interview. We wish you the best. Here is $20 if that will help you out to buy a shirt or get a haircut. 

Jeph: “Or just buy more beer.” 

James: “Serious though, take care of yourself. And as we always say on WrestleFamia, it is our time to tap out.” 

(In the background gunshots can be heard.) 

Jeph: “Let’s get out here now.” 

(Jeph, James and the cameraman run off towards the van.) 

Chris: “Jim, John! You forgot your autograph. Oh well.” 

(Chris looks at the $20 in his hand, smiles and stumbles into the bar.) 

© 2015 - 2021 William Hessian